There are some days that I am still confused by someone while other days I am not. Yesterday everything was cool and then today I am confused by his actions. There are a lot of days that I feel pushed out, like I am not important. And the days I feel like that are days that I am extremely lonely. This long distance sometimes is really hard. I do have a good group of friends here, but a lot of times I am missing him. I miss hanging out with his neighborhood kids. I miss taking about a friend's kids and having fun. I miss cooking together and cleaning together or working together. Friends can only replace the lonely feeling so much. I am getting really close to one of my friends here. I am going to miss here if she moves first or if i move first. I am really looking forward to going to texas with her. I think she will enjoy it a lot.

I am so confused....I do not know what to think any more...sometimes i feel that i do not hide how i am feeling...i worked over 24 hours between 9am yesterday and 2pm today...dont ask why..i know i am crazy...but i covered a friend's shift because one of her friends died in an accident...and i know she would do the same for me...i just wanted to talk to him today....did he not know that....was i not that obvious with him...when i heard about a friend of megan's dying due a car accident...memories of jesse's death came rushing back...I dont ever want to go through anything like that again....i still wonder why he was taking at such a young age....i still want to know why...i miss seeing him when i go home....sometimes i think i am slowly slipping back into being depressed...i should be happy...but right now i am not...i don't know what it is...maybe spending christmtas alone...away from my family...ginger asked me the other day what i was going to do for christmas...i really don't know...i was going to go to arkansas...but i dont know right now...i have to close on christmas eve and the store doesnt close till 9pm and i might not get out of there till 10:30 and i have to work tuesday evening...what fun....i still want to figure out why i am so down and not happy....i was in a good mood saturday...but i seem to have lost that yesterday...i dont know what to do...